secretly
by marsh king's daughter
Summary: Sometimes he wishes he could disappear. RikuCentric, preKingdom Hearts, slight shounenai


**Disclaimer:**I don't own Kingdom Hearts or its characters, I only own the strange ramblings that my mind spews out late at night.

**Warnings:**Uh…I elude to things? Mentions of child abuse and homosexuality, but nothing blatantly paraded around.

- - -

s e c r e t l y

- - -

Sometimes he wishes he could disappear.

White foam licks hesitantly at his toes before the tide pulls back, rolling away to reveal dampened sand and moist skin. He knows, because of his mother's protective chiding, that if he went out a bit farther the waves could take him far, far away, to the places where the ocean is dark and cold and deep.

He is curious only because the islands never have more than a slight breeze, and the sun appears to him perpetually bright, just until it sinks into the sea.

The moon seems lonely.

- - -

"Riku, Riku! I found a seashell!"

Riku takes the conch from his friend, pale fingers running across the smooth surface in the center to the rough outside edge where they halt.

All the seashells feel the same.

He wonders if each one finds its way back after he releases them into the water, if there is nowhere else for them to go.

Sora always welcomes them home.

- - -

He sinks deep into his mattress, pillow over his head softly assuring his ears that the noises downstairs are only calm and gentle.

Footsteps in the hall announce someone's presence, and the crack of light under his door becomes partially shadowed.

He holds his breath.

There is a muffled sob, and then the yellow glow once more floods a bit of his carpet before it is gone altogether.

He closes his eyes, and all is dark.

- - -

The paopu fruit seems much farther away when he latches onto the tree trunk, clasped fingers trembling slightly from the strain as they claw at the bark.

Sora gives little cheers of encouragement as he inches his way farther up at the brunet's request.

A voice in his head says that it would be bad for a destiny such as his to be tied to someone else's.

His fingers slip, and Sora's fearful scream fills his ears and then he is falling, falling, falling.

Secretly, he is relieved.

- - -

Just as he turns the doorknob his mother rushes from the kitchen, hurriedly pulling him into her arms.

He tenses at the contact, unfamiliar with this kind of embrace.

"You have to wear long sleeves if you're going out," she says, eyes pleading, voice broken.

She leads him up to his room, her palm clasped gently in his as he stumbles behind her, glancing down at the bruises adorning his pale skin.

She opens up his drawers, her steady search quickly escalating to something panicked and frenzied as she sifts through his summery outfits.

Then she is crying, tears falling in heavy droplets onto the long sleeves that shelter her own skin from view.

The room is small, bright.

Riku hesitantly pats her head, and her silver hair is soft to the touch.

He decides not to go out that day.

- - -

Sora's house is warm and welcoming, and his parents offer Riku seconds and thirds and tuck him in at night as if they are his own.

He does not recognize the ache in his chest.

He tells his friend a bedtime story and together they listen to the waves crashing on the shore through the open window.

The curtains flutter and caress his cheek, gentle, lingering.

He misses his mother.

- - -

The cave makes it hard to breathe.

It is even smaller and more suffocating than the rest of the island, and not at all how he liked to imagine the dark. In his mind it is expansive and welcoming, and he could wander for miles and miles and never end up in the same place.

Sora grabs his hand and says it's okay, perplexed and innocent.

There is no one to hold hands with in the dark, but he wouldn't be afraid.

"_It's okay, it's okay."_

- - -

He lies in the sand and watches the birds sail away in an endless sea where cotton candy clouds become ships right before his eyes.

"It's a pretty name, a perfect name," he murmurs to his Sky.

Sora smiles, and his heart soars.

- - -

Selphie believes in true love, and she asks him if he does, too.

He says nothing for a moment, watching her skip rope as she smiles at him expectantly.

His toes sink into the sand, and he says he doesn't know.

But he likes to think it's real.

- - -

There is a girl up at the mayor's house, and the town is abuzz.

It never takes much to get them talking, for there is never much to talk about, although he knows his family is a favored topic, he knows from the hushed rumors and nervous stares.

But today is a good day.

He watches his mother dance through the kitchen, humming contentedly as delicious scents waft through the air.

She is wearing a strapless dress and an apron, and she is lovely, lovely.

His father is nowhere in sight.

- - -

She comes from another world.

He wants to know everything, but his endless questions are mostly answered by "I don't remember."

He looks out across the sea, and maybe, maybe, there is something waiting on the other side.

The tide whispers secrets of wandering seashells and little girls who don't belong.

- - -

They are land, sea, and sky, and they are forever inseparable.

Every day he spends a little more time at the island and a little less time at home.

He doesn't notice until the cries come once more at night, and then he is aware of every breath he takes, every movement of shadow. He is filled with guilt and helplessness.

But one day he will be strong, and then he will protect her.

Every day will be a good day.

- - -

Her violet eyes say she is in love.

He watches them together, and it is harder to read his blue ones because they are always filled with love.

He walks to the shoreline, where the land ends and the sea and sky continue on together.

But it's okay, because he is not afraid.

- - -

The moon is suspended in darkness, the stars too far out of its reach to shed their light.

He stays outside to watch them, because it is better to listen to the sounds of the waves than the blows he isn't supposed to hear.

The moon is lonely in the dark, but he will be there soon.

It's a promise.

- - -

Sora is flushed and nervous, and whispers very softly in his ear a secret.

They are no longer inseparable.

The brunet takes off down the beach to follow her, but Riku lingers by the dock for just a bit.

He crouches in the sand, reaching in the water until he finds three smooth stones.

He grasps two in his palm, and the other he casts out with all his strength into the middle of the ocean.

He wonders if it will come back.

- - -

It hurts more than the first time.

He looks in the mirror and doesn't recognize the boy staring back at him, bruised and broken.

His mother won't stop crying, and her fingers tremble as she applies the bandages and antiseptic. Then she can take it no longer and simply wraps her arms around him, cradling him close to her chest.

"He loves you, he loves you."

- - -

They didn't notice his absence.

He feels just a bit lonely, but he won't admit it to anyone else.

Sora grabs his arm tightly, dragging him into the cave to show him a drawing.

It hurts, but he's not sure if it's his arm or his heart.

- - -

There is an air of excitement as they have their first match.

Sora parries most of his blows, but his reactions are slower, and he can't dodge them all.

Riku has never felt so powerful.

His sword connects with the brunet's side, and the boy tumbles broken to the ground.

There is fear in his blue eyes, and he is no longer laughing.

_But I love you, I love you._

- - -

They are going to go far, far away, the three of them.

Riku is relieved, happy, and he wants to go as soon as possible.

He comes home after a long day of gathering wood for the raft, and is greeted by a mother who is fearful and shaken.

Maybe he will take her, too.

- - -

Kairi is sick with the flu, and she cannot come out to play.

He is reminded of days when it was only the two of them, and secretly he is pleased.

Sora laughs with him, and they tumble across the sand, wrestling playfully.

He pins the brunet to the ground, and the boy beneath him is flushed and sweaty and _beautiful_.

He believes in true love, he really does.

- - -

His mother urges him to leave the house, and he hurriedly packs some clothes and goes to Sora's.

He is still useless after all.

The brunet doesn't understand why he is so scared, but he offers sweet words of comfort.

Sora falls asleep in his arms, and he kisses the boy softly on the lips, just once.

Once is enough.

- - -

The house is silent, empty.

He pads through every room until he finally finds her, cold on the bathroom floor, blood everywhere. His stomach clenches and he feels sick, dropping to his knees to check her pulse.

There is nothing.

"Wake up. Wake up, and I'll take you far, far away."

- - -

There is a storm that night.

It is darker than ever before, and he paddles out to the island, ready to leave.

He wonders if he should say goodbye, but Sora wouldn't understand, and he wouldn't want to see him cry.

He silently promises the moon that he will be there soon, and then the darkness slowly takes him.

But the tide will whisper his secrets.

- - -

**Author's Notes: **My new goal in life is to switch up my writing style every now and then just to throw you off. Heh, not really. My mind needed release, so I allowed it just that. It probably makes no more sense to me than it does to you :D

And here I was trying to avoid angst for awhile. Oh dear.

-Emmy


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